This is the last post of Eye on Aion, a blog I've had the honor of authoring for over 5 years.
This post will include descriptions of some very dark, very difficult, and very personal topics, but they are all relevant to who I was, who I am, and where I've been.
Allow me to start by answering the most obvious question; why did I quit Aion? Simply put, I never did; the game quit on me, and it quit on any player unwilling to take part in an abusive relationship between the shell of a once great game, and the few abused players hanging on to the memories of its glory days. Aion started as an ambitious game with enormous potential, and there have been times in its history, however brief, where I can comfortably call it one of the best video games ever made. Its world was fascinating, expansive, beautiful, and uniquely fun to explore. The story was immersive, if a bit cheesy at times, and the gameplay itself held great potential for both mastery, and player expression.
Unfortunately, the advent of F2P caused a downward spiral of increasingly monetized advantages, beginning as simple cosmetics, but eventually downgrading to the lowest point of disgrace in an MMO. Where a player's own character is locked behind a Transformation caricature unless they spend real money to wield the strength of a Transformation without the appearance of one. This, following the deletion of such masterpieces as Katalam, Danaria, and Sarpan, caused me to leave. This is an unacceptable, horrible abuse of the playerbase, and it goes against the very foundations of MMOs, and gaming itself; locking your expression, your character, and your identity behind a paywall is utterly shameful, to say the least.
So now you know why I've quit. This is your last chance to turn back before we get into some VERY dark and shocking subjects; this is the greatest trigger warning I can offer.
If you want to leave here, and that was the only explanation you need, I don't blame you, but now, it's time to talk about who was behind this blog the entire time.
The truth is, when I started this blog, and for much of my time playing this game, I was a confused, lonely, edgy teenager whose only permitted socialization growing up was this game. Raised in an abusive, cult-like, bigoted, extremist far-right family who was dirt poor from my "father" 's hedonistic substance addictions, this game was my escape.
It was my escape while the heartless narcissists who raised me heaped abuse after brutal abuse on my eldest sibling, entertained as she cried her eyes out and wished to end her own life. It was my escape as my family was torn apart, my beloved sisters ex-communicated and forced out of my life by the delusions of my domestically violent, wife-beating, cheating, meth-addicted rapist excuse for a father. It was my escape to attempt to grasp any semblance of normalcy, as I was fed and indoctrinated into my parents hate-filled world of fear and loathing, taught to hate my own siblings, and to hate the world around me.
All the while, the memories of my own physical, sexual, and mental abuse were either locked away under layers of repression, or explained away by my own parents, who'd long ago failed as caregivers. I ask you, reader, what person claiming the mantle of father would look at his own biological son, who was paying his bills no less, and tell him to jump off a bridge? I pray you never find out, and never see the depths of evil that these twisted people were, and still are, capable of.
However, I eventually found my cause. I took up a job that awakened the true inner passion that still burned bright, even through the malice I grew up around. On that job, I learned to love the world around me, even the parts I'd been groomed into hating. I yearned to judge people not for their innate selves, but for their merits and their actions, and through this yearning I came into increasing conflict with my parents' twisted ideals.
I'll spare you the rest of the details, but long story short, this escalated to my father enacting domestic violence on me when I was crippled from a serious injury, and so...I left. The veil was shattered, and I set out into the streets; I resolved I'd rather die alone with the truth, than live another day in a lie. By all the good graces, I was able to reunite with my long-lost sisters, and in spite of my injury, and so much remaining trauma, I started my life anew.
I worked 2 graveyard shift jobs to drag myself out of homelessness. I got my own home, where I write this from now, paid for and furnished by my own hands, with which I type this now. Now I've at long last found what I always needed, and always wanted. I've found a true family, and so much more; love, friends, connection, hobbies, a career, and so many insights into what is truly a wide and wonderful world.
My monstrous abusers still stalk me from the shadows of my old life; they've attempted to sabotage, taunt, and sexually harass me during my homelessness, making every effort to leave me to die miserably on the streets as they wished. They've attempted to break into my bank accounts and email accounts, sign me up for spam, and so much more. However, as their kind are always doomed to, they've continued to fail. They are forever lost in fear, hatred, and evil will; their unfulfilling lives going nowhere as, despite their hardest deluded efforts, they continue to do exactly as I told them they would without me - wither.
As for me...Every week I conquer my inner demons through therapy and medication for the mental illnesses that had long gone dismissed in my old life, which is now literally miles behind me, increasingly lost in obscurity compared to the beauty of my new existence.
In closing, I am a survivor. I am a man who has made it through horrors beyond counting, and come out a better and wiser person for it. I was the author of this blog for many years, and despite the pain and turmoil in the background of those writings, and despite them now being archived beyond anyone's reach, I want my true followers to know this:
Whoever you are, whether you're a long time follower of this blog, a passing fan of Aion, or someone who stumbled upon this strange story of survival by sheer happenstance, I wish you all the best. I thank you for reading this, and for reading anything else I've ever posted. I thank you for your support, and for investing in me and my works the most precious resource a human can ever have; time.
Time calls me once again; and it is time to move on for the both of us, dear reader. This post was originally titled "The Eye Closes", but this could hardly be further from the truth; it's the end of this blog, but for me, it's a new beginning, and that's what matters most. I will continue, and I will return in some form, somewhere...perhaps you'll even recognize me, when the time comes, or perhaps I'll wait a good while to reveal my connection to this old online persona of mine. Either way, I leave you with these parting words, to all my great readers, and to all the good people of the world:
Follow your passion, lead with your heart, and that inner voice telling you to never give up on yourself or your best ideals. Treat others as you'd wish yourself to be treated. Be kind to yourself; and when you feel or find love, express it in whatever way makes you happy - you deserve it. Live on, and love on; it's been an honor.
- Raxu
